The Left Behind
by Farther
Summary: [RikkuXAuron, postgame oneshot] Young mothers to be shouldn't have to be alone. But Rikku is.


A/N: Just a little idea I had that turned into a monster. Actually not sure I should be posting, but anyway… You'll have to suspend your disbelief for this one. Even I don't really think this could have happened, loyal RikkuXAuron supporter that I am.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy X.

* * *

The Left Behind

* * *

_Guadosalam was weird-looking, all gnarled and overgrown and ugly. I didn't like it. Period. I didn't like that girly smirk-faced Seymour. And I _really_ didn't like the whirring death-vortex that was the entrance to the Farplane. _

_I couldn't stop fidgeting, which resulted in a lot of sneaking glances over my shoulder at Auron, who was for sure pretending not to notice. I mean, I've never even seen a fiend get preemptive strike on Auron, not once, he's that alert, so he must have been able to tell that I was looking at him and had been for the last few minutes because oh crap I forgot to turn away – _

_"What?" he asked finally. He had a harsh, sandstone voice, but sometimes (I had noticed) it seemed to fall apart on you so it was as smooth as a whisper of silk or the rustle of dried leaves. It wasn't like that now, though._

_"Umm…" I said. Ah, my famous sparkling wit. "How come you're not visiting Braska, or – or anybody?"_

_His good eye took its time sliding toward me. "Braska is dead."_

_"Yeah, I mean in the Farplane," I said, knowing he was just trying to give me a hard time. Well, I wasn't going to let him. Not this girl, Bucko, no way! _

_"One day," he told me, kind of reluctantly, it seemed. "Now is not the time."_

_I swung around in place to look at him, and stomped both of my feet on the gnarly tree-root ground. Open enormous mouth, insert equally enormous foot._

_"Did you make a promise about that too? Can't you do anything just because you want to – oop!" I'll never know why I said all that. "Ah! That was really rude of me, wasn't it? Jeez! I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry! Forgive me?" _

_He just sort of hmph-ed, and didn't look at me. _

_"I'm sorry… _Sir_ Auron…?" I tried. No one can say I didn't try!_

_He appeared to be in full-on ignore-Rikku mode. _

_"Want to know why I didn't go to the Farplane?" I asked, trying to be fair. _

_"I don't need to," he said flatly. He didn't really sound _mean_ when he said it – it was just that he didn't really sound very nice either. He could have tried to sound nice, you know? _

_"If you have to be like that, then you probably don't deserve to know anyway," I snapped, stung. I wrapped my arms around myself defensively, refusing to look at him. Yeah. That'd show him, alright. Grr._

_Behind me, I heard Auron give a long-suffering little sigh, and it made me feel better somehow._

_"I heard what you had to say about it earlier. If there is anything more, that is your concern."_

_"Oh," I said dully, glancing away. He didn't have to be like that. Really, he didn't. It wasn't rocket science to pretend to be interested in something. "Hm."_

_The gears in my mind spun for a few moments as we sat in silence._

_"Auron?" I asked._

_"What?"_

_"Can I ask you a personal question?"_

_"I'd prefer that you didn't," he said gruffly. Hey, he didn't say no outright. That was something, at least, so I forged ahead, bravely._

_"You saw… how Braska died, didn't you? How can you let the same thing happen to Yunie?" Was it too soon to ask him this? It might have been, but natural curiosity will get you every time. "Why don't you do something?"_

_I could tell he was looking at me sharply, even though I wasn't looking at him. Auron was pretty scary sometimes, but I didn't _really_ think he'd use that big sword on me. _

_"How do you know that I won't?" he asked me pointedly. He was always the one pushing us to move faster, continue the pilgrimage, get to Zanarkand, blah blah – that's how I knew, but maybe…. I whirled to face him again, excited._

_"Will you?"_

_He wouldn't answer. Typical! _

_"WILL you?" I repeated. Nothing. And then… _

_"Why did you remain behind, when the others left for the Farplane?"_

_"Uh-uh, you don't want to know," I reminded him, allowing myself to be diverted. He wasn't going to answer me anyway._

_"That's not what I said." _

_"You said it was none of your concern!" _

_"Yes. I didn't say I didn't want to know."_

_I made a frustrated noise and got up to stretch._

_"You're just being difficult," I accused. _

_He let out a dry chuckle. Right away, I liked the sound of it._

_And then the others came back. Before we rejoined them, I looked askance at Auron and he looked over at me._

_"I'll tell you another time," I said to him, shuffling my feet. "If you really want to know, that is."_

_I didn't think he did, but I had to make the offer anyway, you know? _

* * *

In the beginning, I didn't notice that anything was wrong because everything else already was. As the old saying goes, I couldn't see the forest for the trees, or something.

If I felt woozy, if I fainted even – which I did, smack on the deck of dad's airship as we flew fast and far away from where it all went down – it was from stress. If I couldn't seem to sleep away my desire for sleep, it was because I was (shhh!) d-e-p-r-e-s-s-e-d (But I didn't let that show. No, no never. And I think they all knew anyway.) If my time-o'-the-month was late, well, it had never picked a specific date, so that was its own fault.

Not mine. Not Auron's.

(_I can't believe you're gone_, I thought, over and over and over. I thought that so many times. So many you wouldn't believe.)

I knew for sure some weeks later. I had been planning to stay for a while on Besaid, with Yunie and Lulu and Wakka and even Kimahri. They were the surest thing I had then. But there was so much to do, and pretty soon I was taking a short trip to Bikanel to help with Home II. It was only for a few days.

Pops came to pick me up in his airship (even though it was _waaay_ unnecessary. Any excuse to use that old thing, jeez). Even though I would be leaving the others for a little while, I was feeling better that day. There was a vague thrum of excitement within me, like something half-remembered, and I was glad, a tiny bit. Distantly glad, you know? Like I was still sad, but trying to feel happy for somebody else… like I was outside myself, watching.

The ship took off, with me waving really big to everyone on Besaid from the deck. I hope we were far enough away a few moments later, that nobody saw me lose my breakfast over the railing. When my stomach was done emptying itself, I spat into the wind, wiped my mouth across the back of my hand, dropped bonelessly backward onto the deck.

Ah. Well. Hm. Hmmm… _That_ was not supposed to happen. That was really not supposed to happen at all.

It might not have been such a major slap in the face to another person, but _come on_, I was Al Bhed born and raised. My first steps had been taken out at sea. I _liked_ the feeling of a machina rocking beneath my feet. If you haven't gotten the idea yet, lemme spell it out for you: I Don't Get Motion Sickness Ever. Period.

I figured I was coming down with something, but I didn't have a fever so I chalked it up to indigestion and decided never to trust Wakka Omelet Surprise again. No worries, I told myself, it'll be gone in a jiff.

It wasn't, of course. I was sick again the next night, and intermittently the following day. And we didn't even _have_ any Wakka Omelet Surprise on Bikanel.

Well, I thought I had better figure out what was wrong with me so I could stuff it down inside of me with everything else and be strong for Yunie and Pops and everybody. I sat myself down in the bathroom, because that was the only place around the half-built Home II that a girl could get any privacy (and even then it was a bit of a gamble).

Sitting on the floor, leaning back against the cabinet beneath the sink, I closed my eyes, wanting to doze. I was always tired now. And I was sick. And lately I just felt… weird. And… and… _and_ I hadn't been a virgin since some time after Zanarkand. And I hadn't been on the rag since then either.

All of a sudden I was feeling sick again, and very certain of what was wrong with me.

I wrapped my arms around myself, brought my knees up to my chest, closed my eyes, and squeezed. No use, no use! I couldn't disappear. And I just wasn't able make myself small enough that nothing mattered anymore.

There was a heavy pounding on the door.

"Rikku, ubah ib eh drana!"

It was Brother. He was telling me to open the door, for the Al Bhed illiterate. I leapt immediately to my feet, as quick as if I had sat on a Cactuar.

"Syopa ev oui fanah'd cilr y zang!"

I called him a jerk, even though I wasn't really mad at him. It was just that, all of sudden, I felt ashamed.

I opened the door for Brother.

"Fryd luimt oui buccepmo ryja paah tuehk eh drana vun cu muhk?" He asked. It means, what were you doing in there for so long? He was poking fun at me. It was just as well. I couldn't have answered him for real. I couldn't have told him then that I was pregnant.

Yeah, that's right, you heard me! Got a problem with that! 'Cause anyone who does is gonna regret it!

"Huha uv ouin picehacc," I said. That's, 'none of your business.' And I brushed past him, but I remembered to turn and grin and stick out my tongue before he slammed the door in my face.

Some things don't change, I guess. Brother was the same as always. It made me want to be the same too. But I couldn't go back to that so easily.

The door wooshed back open.

"Oui'ja paah celg," said Brother, appearing in the space between the door jambs. "Yna oui ugyo?"

Was I okay? he wanted to know.

"E's veha," I lied. I told him I was fine, and I smiled. "Naymmo. E's ugyo."

_I'm fine. Really. I'm okay._

I needed to be alone then, so I walked away, strapped on my Godhand, and went up to the surface where the actual construction was taking place. I was just going to walk around, not too far out. There were fewer monsters now, anyway, since the explosion cleared them out. I didn't think to bring my Peaceful Targe.

As I shuffled over the dunes, away from the noise of the construction machina, goggles up, I looked down at my belly, imagining what it might look like in four months, five, six, and shuddered. I liked it the way it was just fine: firm and mostly flat.

This wasn't supposed to happen. It was supposed to be impossible. But I guess that's just what we had assumed, Auron and I. We hadn't known for sure.

_I can't believe you're gone._

The first time was actually in the airship after Yunalesca was defeated, in a cabin below deck (Yes, and the bunk was almost too small for us, I remember that). It wasn't something I ever thought I would do, at least not that way. We had never said we loved each other. We weren't married and we knew we never could be.

But I was all swollen with feeling inside. I felt safe when he was around me, even though I was a big girl and could take care of myself. Even though I knew he wouldn't always be there.

At the final moment, I was suddenly afraid, and my bare legs snapped shut, and I wanted to stop and keep going at the same time. His hands slid up over my thighs, rough skin, smooth skin, and his fingers met my waist. There was a little smile tugging one corner of his mouth as he kissed me (not on the lips).

I wasn't myself anymore. I was just his. Forever and ever, for always.

And I never wanted to have that with anyone else. I never wanted to have that again.

But back in the reality of the sands around Home II, a giant Zu had appeared before me, and I couldn't think about it any longer. I slipped a grenade into my hand, ready to fight – and yet, when I looked up into the slobbering jaws, studded with rows of jagged teeth, I just couldn't.

My eyes flickered to my belly, to Godhand, to the Zu coming in stupidly for me. I was frozen. I just _couldn't_.

_What are you doing, Rikku! Rikku! What are you doing? What – _

It lashed out at me with one of its claws, which was bigger even than I was, and I half-leapt, half-stumbled out of the way.

It wasn't only me anymore, I realized then. I didn't know what to do. I only knew that I was pathetically, blindingly afraid. More than I had ever been in my life. Even more than the time when we crossed the Thunder Plains.

So I ran. I fled as fast as I could, and I didn't stop until I was back at Home. I dropped down into the shade of a newly built tower with my hands spread over my stomach, and I wanted to scream, and I would have and was going to, but then everyone would know that I wasn't 'just fine' like I had said and I didn't want that. I didn't want that at all.

I guess everyone found out anyway, though, because I was so tired out by then that I konked out right there in the sand. Somebody eventually found me and brought me in, and I woke up in my own bunk, surrounded by my family and some of my old friends. Not a fun way to wake up, lemme tell you, with all those watching eyes.

Brother made fun of me for fainting, of course, and dad wanted to have me checked out for bugs (his words, not mine, okay?). He seemed to think I was going to die or something. He was always overdoing things like that. I knew the truth, though.

And, jeez, how was I supposed to _tell_ them?

I didn't do it just then. I wanted to wait and make sure, even though I was pretty damn sure of it already. Now that the idea had surfaced in my mind, I could just feel it, you know? I just _knew_; I knew it so clearly that it cut me right to the bone.

That night I hardly slept, even though I had been so tired for so long. I kept peeking down beneath my blankets at the space below my belly button and thinking with two parts awe and one part trepidation that there was something _in_ there. And that eventually it was going to come out.

* * *

_Thank the Powers, thank whoever is out there – thank Yevon, even! – for Rin's Travel Agency. Well, I guess the most appropriate person to thank would have been Rin. But he might have looked at me funny if I did, and besides that, there was no way I was moving from my spot, which was kind of beneath the table. The more roofs over my head, the better._

_The others had all gone to their rooms. I didn't know how late it was. Auron was still up though, sitting on the bench in the foyer, reading, I think. He was always the last to go to bed, I had noticed. Whenever we stopped to camp I always saw him sitting upright, looking into the distance at something only he could see, in the red shades of the sunset and again in the shadowy pre-dawn. I had gotten to know his profile pretty well by then._

_Trying to take my mind off the storm outside, I began to wonder what Auron was reading. I could see him from beneath the table, but I couldn't quite tell what it was. Then I looked at his face, and I wondered instead if it was very much harder to read with only one eye. _

_That was interesting for a few minutes, but it really didn't work as a distraction. _

"_Eeep!" A burst of lightning illuminated the windows, throwing the room into harsh light and shadow. I tried to leap up reflexively, but my head smacked the table. "Oooow…"_

"_You're still here?" said Auron. When I glanced at him, I saw that he hadn't even looked up to see if I was okay. _

"_Don't be mean," I warned him. It was pretty pitiful, as warnings go. "I – I'm really scared, okay?"_

"_Aren't you going to sleep?" he asked. He didn't sound concerned at all, the meanie!_

_I shook my head. "In THIS?"_

_Thunder boomed ominously outside. I hugged my knees to my chest._

"_The storm is outside. It can not hurt you."_

"_Well I'm still scared!" _

"_Look for a distraction," he suggested. I didn't think he had looked up even once the whole time. He was asking for it, alright. Well, I knew how he hated personal questions…and I had one for him…_

"_Hey," I said, peering out a little from under the table. "Um… um, um, um… I want to ask you – I mean, I saw you fall when that Jyscal guy came out, are you…?"_

"_I'm fine," he answered shortly._

_I had thought that maybe… with what that Seymour said… and the falling and the pyreflies and…I had thought… _

"_But what was that all abou- AH!"_

_Lightening flashed, and suddenly I was very much pressed into Auron's side. I get clingy when I'm scared, for those of you who don't already know. _

_I peeked up at him from beneath his arm. At least he was looking at me now, although it wasn't really in a good way. Not a bad way either, just kind of a what-do-you-think-you're-doing sort of way. _

"_Should I… not have asked that?" I meant about his falling at the Farplane._

_The silence stretched until I almost thought he wasn't going to answer. Wouldn't be the first time. It was warm though, being curled up securely next to him (I hadn't expected him to be so warm). I… liked it. Heh. _

"_There is no need to be concerned," said Auron finally. Not that I believed him, or anything._

"_Oh, come on –" I began, but he wasn't about to let me. He was always leading me off track. I knew he was. And it just made me more curious. _

"_I'm going to rest," he said as he extracted himself gently from me, placing his reading material on the table. I still didn't know what it was, but it didn't matter by that point. "I suggest you do the same."_

"_Wait!" I grabbed his sleeve. "I'm still scared, you know!"_

_His voice was very soft when he spoke; it rushed smoothly over me. I could have listened to him forever, and just died, right there, listening to it. And it would have been okay._

"_You have nothing to fear," he said, loosing his bare arm enough to pull my hand off of his sleeve. "You are more than strong enough to withstand this storm."_

"_O- oh…" I said. And he was gone. _

_That had… almost been a compliment. Sort of. In a weird, Auron-legendary-guardian sort of way. I felt kind of good. _

_For about five seconds. _

_Then the lightning came and I was back under the table, and Auron was a big meanie again in the morning._

* * *

As planned, I returned to Besaid the day after I ran from that Zuu. Dad didn't want me to leave so soon, on account of my 'illness' (how little he knew; it made me feel bad to talk to him, his not-knowing). I told him I would return to Bikanel shortly, though, and that seemed to make him feel better because he nodded and grunted in a way that sort of reminded me of Auron, and that just made me want to cry so I avoided my dad until I was safely on Besaid.

(I was so sick of crying, and yet I was always wanting to.)

It was good to be with Yuna and everyone again. I felt like they were the ones who knew me best then, even if they weren't the ones who had known me longest. We had all faced Sin together, and won. There was something binding about that, I guess. And anyway, we were all friends.

But at the same time I couldn't stand it. It drove me crazy being around them, with Yuna's sad, tired smiles, and Wakka and Lulu stumbling around their new love without ever hitting it (one day they would), and Kimahri as faithful and stoic as ever. It drove me crazy being happy-peppy Rikku for them. None of them knew what I knew, and I didn't know what they would think if they did.

I wasn't ashamed, really – but I would be if they were. Does that make sense?

I couldn't have known what would happen back then. It wasn't anybody's _fault_, or anything. It wasn't… my/our fault.

One thing was for sure. I couldn't stay on stuffy old Yevonite-breeding Besaid. My plan so far was to head back to Bikanel before I started showing (big gulp), pop this kid out, and then… Well, then I'd see. I certainly would. (I didn't like to think of it in those terms, but I couldn't help trying to remove myself from all of it somehow)

If Lulu and Yuna were suspicious – and I suspect they were, though they hardly could have guessed the truth – they didn't say anything to me before I got back on the airship to Bikanel a few weeks later. Just goodbye and we'll miss you and come back soon. I didn't say how long I was planning to be gone.

Don't you see that I couldn't tell them? They loved me and I didn't want to lose them and I wasn't ready for any of it.

Anyway, I didn't puke on the airship this time. I felt a twinge of nausea here or there, but I had to brush it off so Pops wouldn't fuss. He was so concerned. I guess he couldn't stand to lose anymore family.

Good news, then, Pops! You're gonna be a grandfather!

It wasn't quite that easy.

In fact, I didn't say anything at all about it for a while. I got some of my energy back, and my sickness was only occasionally reoccurring. It got to the point where I could even help out with the construction and stuff, although part of me was kind of scared to. I didn't want anything to happen. Desperately, almost. I didn't want anything at all to happen to this thing inside me that I hated and loved and that scared the snot out of me all at once.

But I helped out sometimes anyway, very carefully, and things went back to almost-normal. Dad didn't say anything about my health, and I thought he was ready to let the whole thing drop until he pulled me aside and told me he wanted me to see a doctor, just to be on the sure side of things.

Erm… hm. Mumble, stutter. Ergh.

So I told him. And either he didn't hear me, or he didn't want to because he asked me to speak up and repeat what I had said.

"Pregnant!" I snapped. I wasn't feeling very good by then. "You know, _expecting_."

And I folded my arms beneath my breasts and stared at him defiantly. Yeah. Go on and say something, I dare you.

Dad's eyes went all wide, and his eyebrows shot up into his forehead. He was so pole-axed that his mouth hung open and he couldn't seem to find his tongue, but when he did…

"_WHAT!"_

He was madder than a Behemoth in berserk mode.

"How – _Who?_ I'll kill that little –" Apparently he couldn't find a worthy enough insult. Good. _I didn't want to hear it! _

"You're too late for that," I told him. I wanted my voice to be hard, but I've always had this cute little-girl voice that just doesn't seem to change. I tried anyway, though, whether it worked or not. "He's already dead."

(He had always been…. So how could…?)

But jeez, it wasn't easy to say that anyway. No amount of trying could make my voice hard enough for that.

"Huh?" said Dad.

Oh… jeez…

More than anything, I wanted Auron to be there right then. In the next moment I was swept away with wanting, encased, consumed by it, dying the slow, quiet death of those who long without restraint for the long ago lost. He would have made everything _all right_. He would have, he would have…

_I can't believe you're gone._

Dad seemed to take the hint then; he got really quiet, and I didn't have to repeat myself, which was for the best because I wouldn't have been able to anyway. I was half-crying by then, and telling myself over and over to cut it out. Nobody wanted to see me cry.

"Was it…erm…who…?" he asked. Couldn't even talk properly, jeez. His forehead was all wrinkled up with concern, and he had hushed his voice down. I think he was starting to understand, a little.

Couldn't he guess? But, no, it hadn't been obvious.

I shook my head.

"…Um," I managed to say, which was an accomplishment if you considered the size of the knot in my throat. _Auron, Auron, Auron… _"Auron."

Dad was surprised.

"_Him_?" he said, as if I would lie about it, jeez.

"No, I just told you that for fun!" I snapped, and then I burst out crying. There was something wrong with me – I didn't want to be so prickly, hated it, but I just couldn't get a hold on myself that was anything more than tenuous.

So there I was, sobbing my bleeding heart out. Dad made some awkward noises, which I guess were meant to be comforting, and he tried to hold me, but he hadn't done it since I was a little girl and he didn't really know how to. It worked, though. It worked well enough.

I couldn't help thinking that Auron would have done it better.

After a while he took me by the shoulders and looked into my (puffy, red-rimmed) eyes. I hadn't thought it possible, but he looked even more awkward than before. He couldn't seem to form any words. Dad didn't know how to deal with me, and I didn't know how to deal with me, and I was just going to leave when he reached out to stop me.

"Rikku… E's cunno," he said. He was sorry. "Just… what are you going to do?"

I already felt stronger for telling him, like I could carry the world on my shoulders, if only I had someone to watch me do it and be proud.

"I'm going… to go for a walk now," I told him.

And did I smile? Well... anything is possible.

* * *

_Macalania is a horrible, horrible place. _

_I'm not talking about the woods; those are quite pretty and not so damn cold that you'd rather kill yourself than walk through the freezing ice-wind of death for five more minutes. _

_So I was happy when Auron suggested we use the snow machina to get to the temple (and away from Wakka, kind of). And I really shouldn't have been thrilled when he got on behind me, but I couldn't help it if I was, just a tiny bit (or more). _

_He was really warm with that big coat and everything, okay? Okay!_

…_Fine. The truth is, I just liked the way it felt. It was like I was hyper-aware of him, and my nerve-endings seemed to stretch out toward him, like green things tracing the sun across the sky. And there was the quiver of tension there that made me shiver in the good way. How could he feel that way if he were… you know… (dead)? _

_I was small enough that he could have easily enfolded me, and it made me feel protected, like nothing could touch me as long as I was on that machina with Auron sitting there behind me. _

_So, of course, I had to do something dangerous, like speeding up and making that leap across that big fissure where the ice is split all the way to the temple gates. _

_I wanted to be impressive, I guess, but it didn't turn out that way._

_We made it across the jump all right, but the bike spun out and crashed into a snow bank on the other side. I got thrown off faster than you can say 'Rikku, what have you done, you fool!' I skimmed the snow on my way over the edge of the abyss._

_Yup, that's right. Right over the lip of the gulf._

_For a few seconds I flailed in midair. Arms, legs, whatever. I wasn't breathing. I wasn't even falling, hardly, I was just… flailing. _

_I'mgonnadieI'mgonnadieI'mgonnadie – _

_And then Auron caught me. He caught me by one of my wildly flapping wrists and held on. I've always thought I had good luck, but that just proved it, right there – although, getting into the mess in the first place could be considered bad luck…ummmnevermind. _

_Anyway, Auron pulled me up quickly. I don't think it was too hard for him because, frankly, that huge sword he carries around must weigh more than I do, but that wasn't what was going through my mind at the time. I was just melting with relief, and I thought I was going to fall over, so I did the sensible thing and threw myself at Auron. _

_I didn't look up to see whether he was surprised or not, I just buried myself into him as deep as I could go because he was solid and warm and good. _

"_Are you hurt?" he asked, sternly. I think he tried to step away from me, but I wouldn't let him. _

"_No." Only my pride. "Are you?"_

"_I'm fine," he said, dismissively, as if it was obvious and it didn't matter. It mattered to me._

"_I think… I dropped my targe." My face was still buried somewhere in his shoulder. I didn't want to move. I didn't ever want to move again. "Um… I'm sorry. This was all my fault."_

_He didn't disagree. Even when he was saving me he was still a big meanie. _

_Finally, I pulled back and looked up at him._

"_Well…? Aren't you going to say anything?"_

"_What is there to say?" he asked. "You should not have attempted something so dangerous."_

_I couldn't look at him anymore, and turned away. _

"_I know that," I said, irritated. I saw the bike where it had fallen and went to see if it still worked. "I'm not a child!"_

"_Then don't persist in acting like one."_

_I didn't turn to look at Auron, but I was glaring holes into the bike. I switched the engine on. It still worked. _

"_Let's not waste any more time," I said. And that was the last time either of us spoke until we reached the temple. I was angry at Auron for being so cold, but I was more angry at myself for being so stupid. And when we got to the temple and Auron stood up for me (did he feel…guilty? ...Nah), I wasn't even mad at him anymore._

_For the first time in my life, I considered that I wasn't quite grown up and that I really, _really_, wanted to be. That's what I was thinking about when we fell through the ice and ended up below the temple. _

_Auron went off alone right away, of course. Then Wakka did, too, not that I could blame him. Yuna sat in silence with Kimahri and Lulu, and Tidus wandered around, unable to stay still. I stayed close to Yunie for a while, but eventually I found my way over to Auron. I felt guilty. I could have killed us both, you know?_

_He had his back turned towards everyone, and when I got closer I could see that he was looking at something he had in his hand. I stood behind him without saying anything until I was sure he had sensed that I was there. It wasn't very long._

_He half-turned to look at me from the corner of his eye. "Come here. Look at this."_

"_Oh," I said stupidly, seeing what it was. "My targe! Hey, that's amazing! I wonder if it'll still work." I took it from him in order to examine it. "Seems fine…"_

_He nodded shortly. There was the beginning of what felt like a long pause, so I took the time to strap on my targe. _

"_I'm sorry, again," I told him. _

"_Don't let it trouble you."_

_Beat._

"_You could say you're sorry too, you know," I continued. "For upsetting me earlier."_

"_Did I upset you?" One corner of his mouth turned up, just a little. I hmph-ed indignantly. "Then I apologize." _

"_Good!" I said. "'Cause you'd be askin' for it if you didn't."_

_He gave a half-chuckle, and I was glad. It was sneaking up on me, this liking him so much. But I couldn't help it. I was already lost. _

* * *

After I told my old man the good (?) news, he must have passed it on to Brother – who can't keep a secret worth _beans_, I tell you, _beans!_ – because the whole island seemed to know within the hour.

But it was okay. I wasn't mad. Things actually got a lot easier.

I guess it's because of our diminished population, but kids have always been important to Al Bhed. Machina is the future. Children are the future. Build, build in any way you can! Go!

That was why Pops forgave his sister for running off only after Yuna was born. That's why he wasn't disowning me or anything now.

It wasn't great that I was young and unmarried; it was more like it just wasn't a problem (except for me, of course). Come to think about it, if it had been someone else in my place, I probably would have been happy for them.

Actually it was a little weird in the beginning because everyone was kind of shocked, but pretty soon they all seemed to get over it until it was just generally accepted.

So at first, it was _Gasp! Rikku's going to have a baby!_

Then it became _Great! Rikku's going to have a baby!_

Weird.

I knew what Yuna had been doing, then, when she had agreed to marry Seymour.

So pretty soon I became a very pampered leader's daughter. It was nice to have my old friends and family with me, particularly when I started to... um… _expand_. I liked being small and skinny. But I had a lot of people telling me that everything would be okay, and I was just starting to believe them.

I could be fat for a while. I was allowed. Everything would be okay.

The only problem was that I had to sneak out if I wanted to be alone, because otherwise no one would let me. I was a thief, and it wasn't hard, but it was just so weird. I had defeated Sin, and now I was hardly allowed to walk to the bathroom on my own. It wasn't me that was fragile, though, I recognized. It was the thing inside.

And I still thought of it that way. The thing inside. A baby was such an abstract concept to me, then. I had never thought that I… that it… Inside of me… So strange…

And Yunie and the others still didn't know. I had been gone from Besaid for a few months, and I hadn't written them or anything to tell them. But they weren't here, and it was easy to just keep forgetting.

It's not a great idea to put things off though, lemme tell you, because they have a habit of coming around and biting you in the butt when you're not looking. That's what happened to me, anyway.

It was one of those days when I just had to get out, and I snuck off into the desert by myself. I wasn't worried about fiends, because I had on my Peaceful Targe, but I didn't go out very far anyway. Just enough to be alone with my thoughts, you know?

My shorts weren't big enough for me to button them anymore at that point, so I had to loop a string through the button hole to hold them up. None of my shirts really worked either; I had taken to borrowing old, greased-up mechanic shirts from Dad or Brother. They were long and stained and they smelled like machinery. You kinda couldn't tell I was wearing shorts under them at all, they were that long, and the arm-holes dipped a bit low, but I wasn't picky.

Well… okay, I was, but I had tried on everything else and these old ugly shirts looked the best. It was a sad state of affairs, folks.

Anyway, the point is that that's what I was wearing when I saw Yunie for the first time in forever.

I was plopped down in the sand, leaning back on my hands, with my legs stretched out in front of me. I heard a shuffling footstep behind me, and at first I thought it was a fiend, but when I leapt up and turned around it was only Yunie.

_Only_ Yunie. Hah.

Jeez, I nearly dropped back down on the ground.

She just looked at me for a while without saying anything. She had her hand up by her mouth, like she does when she gets speechless, or surprised.

Reflexively, I looked down at my belly where the soft linen of the old shirt clung to it. It wasn't that big, really. It just looked like I had swallowed a blitz ball. Maybe even less than that. It must have been shocking to Yunie, though, without seeing me for so long, or even knowing. I wondered how much bigger it would get.

"Rikku," she said, smiling suddenly.

Yuna is so beautiful when she smiles – even more than Lulu, and Lulu is practically my _idol_ or something. It's like when she smiles at you, you just can't help loving her. I mean, I loved her already, but it just hit me really hard right then, with her smiling at me. It hit me really hard, and balled up in my throat and got me all choked up so I couldn't speak. It was like a wave breaking over me. I had missed her. Jeez, I had missed her _so much_.

"Yunie," I said. My voice was really small. "Hi."

"How are you?" she asked, though it must have been pretty obvious how I was. But that's Yunie for you, always trying to be polite.

"Um, pregnant?" I joked, or I guess I was joking. Yuna laughed, anyway. She was always nice like that.

"I can see that." And she sounded so nice when she said it.

Kind of absently, I put a hand on my stomach, then removed it. I didn't really like to touch it, to tell you the truth. It felt sort of hard and foreign and not me.

"Rikku… is everything okay?"

"Oh, um… I guess it is. Yeah. Everything's okay."

I don't know why I didn't tell her the truth right then, but it didn't matter. I couldn't hold it off for long anyway.

Yuna ducked her head to look into my eyes. She knew me so well.

"Are you sure?"

My fist clenched, but…

"Yunie, I- I'm scared!" I cried, breaking. "I'm really, _really_ scared!"

I was such a baby, and I couldn't do anything to stop it.

But Yunie was so nice about it. She just hugged me and let me get her shirt all wet with tears and listened to me babble. She didn't even ask about Auron, and I know she must have been curious because none of them had even known. Jeez, I loved her. She was the best cousin ever.

"And I don't know what to do," I continued, "I don't know at all! And I'm all alone, and I'm really scared…"

I had never told this to anyone. Yunie was the only person I could have told.

"You're not alone, Rikku," she told me.

"I know," I said. I was starting to calm down a little. "I know that, but it just…"

"…It just feels like it, sometimes, doesn't it?"

It occurred to me then, that of all people, Yunie would be the one to know just how I was feeling.

"Yes," I sniffled, wiping my eyes with my fists. It was so embarrassing to be crying all the time. But when we headed back to Home, Lulu was waiting for us in my room, and I took my turn crying into her lap also. She stroked my hair, even though I must have gotten goobers all over her beautiful skirt.

So Lulu and Yunie came to Bikanel for me. And they stayed there for me, as well.

Jeez, I loved them.

* * *

"_I'm fine," I said to Tidus, in the bridge. "I'm okay. Really."_

_And when the attention had turned from me I was rushing out into the hall before I burst out crying. What else could I do? But almost as soon as the door closed behind me, I collided with something that was warm and caught me and grunted softly as it did._

_I bet you're thinking it was Auron, aren't you? Wouldn't that have been great (read: pretty terrible, actually). Well, it wasn't him – it was Kimahri. _

"_S-sorry," I said, backing away. He shook his head, braids swinging heavily._

"_Kimahri not mad."_

_I like the way the Rhonso speak, the simplicity of it. You always know exactly what they mean to say. _

"_Um, thank you," I nodded, edging around him, eager to be gone, away and alone. I practically ran out of the room. It wasn't that I disliked Kimahri, it was just that I didn't want him to see me cry. I didn't want anybody to see that._

_It didn't take me too long to find a small bunk in the cluster of below-deck cabins where I could bawl my eyes out in peace. It would take a while to find Yunie, and no one would need me until then. But I didn't even get very far into it – not even to the good, shouting, gut-wrenching cries (I like to cry out-loud) – before I got walked in on. And it was Auron this time. _

_He didn't even knock, the meanie, I thought, as I looked up from where I was sitting curled up in the corner of the bed, with my face in the pillow and the pillow wedged between my knees and my chest, with my arms wrapped around it. I sniffled. Really, all I wanted was for him to go away and stay with me forever._

"_Did – did Kimahri tell you that I was here?" I asked thickly._

"_No," he said. I felt stupid. He was probably wondering why I would even think that. "I saw you running. You weren't difficult to follow."_

"_Oh," I said. I must have passed right by him, and not even noticed. And here I thought I had been acting discreetly. Well. Yes, well. "Um… why did you…?"_

"_Are you well?" he asked, even though I obviously wasn't (and ignoring my question). _

"_I'm fine."_

"_And a poor liar." _

"_I'm an excellent liar!" I cried, folding in the next instant against the weight of what was in me, my eyes falling away from Auron to a point somewhere on the floor behind him. "It's just – I can't get over it! Even though we tried, so many of us – so many people were left to die with the fiends, and we didn't even save Yunie, we couldn't, and I – I really am an excellent liar…" I don't know why I said that; just babbling, I guess. "And those Guado, they had no right! They –"_

"_Whatever you do," Auron interrupted, "It is best not to focus on thoughts of revenge."_

"_Is that what you did?" I asked, unthinkingly. For a long moment I thought maybe he wasn't going to answer. Maybe he was just going to leave. But…_

"_Yes," he admitted, finally._

"_And… what happened?" I pressed, wanting to know with a desperation I didn't understand. Auron's lips thinned behind his collar as he stared hard at me. _

"…_Nothing that made it… worthwhile. The opposite."_

_I lowered my eyes to my knees in front of me. "Is that how you died?"_

_He sucked in a breath, then said nothing for what seemed like a long while. His voice was calm and level when he finally did speak. "It is." _

_I shouldn't have asked. I just needed… to get my mind away from…_

"_I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry, it was stupid. I'm – I'm useless. Today, I was –"_

_I heard him sigh heavily. _

"_There was nothing you could have done. Don't believe otherwise." He was all of a sudden sitting on the edge of the bed, not really looking at me. I couldn't have said when that happened to save my life._

"_Are you sure?" I asked, moving forward, clutching his sleeve, searching – searching desperately – for… I don't know. Strength. Reassurance. Home. All of that, yeah. "Couldn't it have been – couldn't I have done more? I could have…" _

_He looked at me. I clutched his red sleeve stupidly like a child._

"_No –" I burrowed into him before he could say any more, and cried and cried and cried. He had a good shoulder for crying on, and it was an endless while before I stopped or could think of stopping or could think of anything at all outside the consuming rhythm of gulp, gasp, sob._

_Gulp, gasp, sob. _

_Poor Auron. I hope I wasn't too loud or too sniffly or too disgusting, but I have a feeling I probably was. When I settled down, though, he was just calm as ever (maybe softer and concerned, but calm still), even with me all tangled around him. _

"_Hey," I said, looking up at him but not really moving, not really ready to move, just needing to fill the silence. "You're pretty good at this."_

"_You forget," he rumbled beneath my ear, where it was pressed closely to his chest, "I was guardian to Tidus."_

_Auron was always guarding somebody, I realized distantly. And who guarded him? He did, himself. You'll fall over if you do it that way, I thought. _

"_Oh, yeah," I smiled, sort of. "He was… a crybaby, right?"_

"_At times." _

_Ha. This was my time, then, wasn't it?_

_And then, silence. _

_His hand was in my hair, one thumb describing a circle at the nape of my neck, so slowly. I had wrapped my arms around him, one inside and one outside his coat. The hand on the inside had found a hidden tail of hair and wound it around the fingers. For some reason, I had one leg over his thigh. His other hand was pressed to the small of my back, close above the lip of my shorts. He left hot spots where he touched me._

_Very slowly, I raised my eyes to look at him from beneath my lashes to find him watching me from over his glasses, half curious, and half languid. I noticed distantly that his collar was gone, and found that I had it unbuckled in my hands. I don't know if we leaned in to one another, but suddenly he was very close and I was the one who closed the infinitesimal gap and kissed him._

_Is this okay? I wondered, but I didn't say it because I didn't want it to stop. I arched into him, pulling closer, swelling on the inside. It was a delicate sort of kiss, a prelude to the real thing that left you wanting and driven towards the deeper plunge. _

_And I think we both realized it at the same time. The thumb stopped moving over my neck. The arms began to withdraw._

_But… I…_

_I grasped instinctively for the gloved hand that was retreating from where it had wandered down to my upper thigh and held on to it. It was strangely intimate. No one else had really touched me there before. I let go and pulled away and pretended it had never happened._

_Stupid, Rikku._

_But Auron was too busy reverting to aloof, uncaring guardian to comment. _

"_I'm sorry," he said, and seemed to mean it. For a moment it looked as if he just didn't know what to make of me. "You are all right?" _

_I opened my mouth to say something, anything, to make it better, but then the alarm blared out in the hall. _

"_They found Yunie," I said, half to myself. _

_Auron nodded. "Let's go."_

_He took big steps as we walked to the bridge. I had to half-run to keep up. _

_So, he was pulling away from me now. Distracted from my grief, I decided in that moment that I wasn't about to let him._

* * *

Time passed (it tends to do that, you know) and Yuna was there and so was Lulu, though she left a couple times to get supplies and visit Wakka on Besaid. I let her tell him what she wanted. She could bully him into submission, if necessary. Was that cowardly of me? Yeah, maybe.

It was just… I remembered that Wakka had turned his back on me before.

Anyway, I guess Lulu withheld the information for longer than I thought, but about a month later she went off to Besaid and came back with Wakka and Kimahri in tow. Later she told me that she hadn't been able to keep them away.

The day they arrived, Yunie and I were outside in the shade, sitting with our backs against one of the finished walls of Home II. I pushed a finger through the cool sand, sighing in frustration. For a while I had been trying to teach Yunie to speak Al Bhed. She was about as far from a natural as they come. I mean, Lulu was learning faster than she was, and Lulu was only there for the lessons half the time.

I wasn't giving up on Yunie, though. I imagined I would have to teach stuff like this in the future. I had never been terribly patient, but I knew I was gonna have to learn. And soon. I was just hitting the third trimester mark. Something like excitement coursed through me at the thought.

"No," I said, for the tenth time. " 'Fryd' means 'what' and 'vydran' as well as 'tyt' and 'bubby' are words for 'father.' Get it?"

"O-okay…" said Yuna. Sigh. She didn't get it.

"Alright," I began again. "Listen. If you know Basic you can learn Al Bhed. It's easy – all the grammar and stuff is the same. It's just the letters and the pronunciation that's mixed up, right?"

"Right," Yuna nodded.

"So," I continued, "for a word like 'what' the 'w' becomes an 'f' and the 'h' becomes 'r,' the 'a' becomes 'y,' you know the rest. But you say it _fe-raae-de_, so –"

That's where I was interrupted.

"Hey, you corruptin' our summoner over here, or what?"

"Wha –" I looked up. "Wakka!"

Yunie let out a startled, delighted, "Oh!"

"Hey there." In the thick Besaid accent that had somehow skipped over Yuna and Lulu, it sounded more like 'hey dere.' He made the old familiar gesture of reaching behind his head with one hand and scratching. "Been too long, ya?"

There was only the barest hesitation.

"Yeah," I agreed. I patted a spot on the sand in front of me and Yuna. "Come on and sit down with us."

As he did, somewhat clumsily, Lulu appeared from somewhere inside Home, followed by Kimahri.

"Oh," said Lulu, looking at Wakka where he sat in the sand with me and Yunie. "I see you found them."

And… Wow! We were all together again. I hadn't realized how long it had been until now. Lulu and Kimahri joined us, and it was (almost) like the times during the pilgrimage when the group would sit and stop for a breather.

That didn't happen often, though, considering… who was setting the pace…

_I can't believe…_

"So," Wakka began, turning to me, "you and Auron, huh?"

Lulu glared daggers at him, and I could feel Yunie wince next to me at his obliviousness. But it wasn't like I really minded. Wakka was… refreshingly tactless.

"That's right," I chirped. Why dance around it? "I'd let you feel it kicking but there's nothing to feel right now. I think he must be sleeping."

I poked my belly demonstratively. It had grown considerably, but I tried not to think about that part. I had mostly gotten used to it, anyway.

"Gonna be a boy, then?" asked Wakka.

"Huh?" I mulled back over what I had said. Oh. _'I think _he_ must be sleeping.'_ "Well – that's just what I think."

I had never said so out loud, or even consciously to myself, but it seemed right, it being a boy. Then again… who knew? The masculine pronoun just came out naturally.

"I agree," said Yuna, smiling. "They say that if you look particularly good during pregnancy, you must be carrying a boy, because girls steal their mother's looks."

"Uh, thanks," I said, starting to believe that maybe it was a girl after all. No matter what Yunie said, I did NOT look particularly good. Maybe not terrible, but certainly not particularly good.

Lulu shook her head. "Let me show you how it's done. Has anyone got any string?"

There was a brief search. Finally, I ripped one of the loose threads from the hem of my shirt – again, one of the old mechanic shirts that even Brother had discarded.

Lulu took the thread, and one of Yuna's rings, and leaned over to dangle the ring over my stomach.

"If it moves in a circle," she explained, "the baby will be a boy. Side to side, and it will be a girl."

It was silly, but strangely compelling to watch for the telling movement of the ring (hey, this was my potential future we're talking about). At first it didn't look like it was moving at all. But then, the longer we looked at it…

"Looks like side to side to me," said Wakka, with a short, confident nod.

Yunie disagreed. "No, I think it is more of a circle…"

If you asked me it looked kind of like an oval, which really wasn't indicative of anything.

"I never said it was foolproof," Lulu sighed.

But I still privately believed it would be a boy, and I continued to believe that, until after my water finally broke and I was sweaty and exhausted and proudly passing out with my son – _my son!_ – in the crook of my arm, and even though he was all squashy and red-faced and bawling I saw something utterly beautiful in him. He had blue eyes, and I saw them and I thought, _I love you, I love you_, until I fell asleep.

* * *

_The Calm Lands aren't called that for nothing. Even Auron couldn't hurry us through and seemed disinclined to try. We could have walked the distance in a day or so, but instead we meandered for three or four, enjoying the pocket of warmth before braving the icy slopes of Mount Gagazet. _

_We even got to stay a night or two at Rin's Travel Agency. It was the first time we'd be sleeping on actual beds since Macalania, and I was prepared to take advantage of it. But when I was nestled beneath real covers for the first time in forever, all I could think of was Gagazet (and then Zanarkand) getting closer and closer and still not knowing what I could do for Yunie when I couldn't even save my own people, and then there was Auron who wouldn't talk to me unless I spoke first, and then he hardly said more than two words and I knew when I was being gotten rid of because I did have an older brother after all… _

_It was so obvious what he was trying to do that I wanted to scream. Preferably right into his ear._

_I slept eventually, but not until late, and when I woke up in the morning it was long past light out and everyone seemed to have gone. For a few moments of shock and horror I thought maybe I had been left behind. I had my Peaceful Targe by then, so I strapped it on and ran outside to see if I could find anybody. _

_After a few minutes of running aimlessly, I spotted a figure standing at the edge of the plains, where they dropped off into the sea some meters behind the Travel Agency. I knew it was Auron from the stance – strongly cool, cut-off, alone. _

_I stood behind him until I was sure he knew I was there._

"_Hi," I said. I walked up to the edge of the cliff and looked over. The sea was smashing furiously against the rock face. _

"_Don't drop anything," came Auron's voice from somewhere over my shoulder, apparently unable to resist. I pinned him with a glare._

"_I won't!" I declared with conviction. But I stepped away from the edge anyway, not liking the look of those breaking waves. "Um… where are the others?"_

"_Yuna was gone when I woke," he said. "So was Tidus."_

"_Oh." I smiled. Go Yunie! _

_That seemed to be all the explanation that he was going to offer. It wasn't that he was treating me a great deal differently, but I had come to expect a certain amount of – not warmth, really, but familiarity at least. And now it was gone and I wanted it back. And I wanted… Well… I wanted._

_I had to say something to fill up the silence, and the first thing that came to mind was…_

"_We'll reach Zanarkand soon, you know?"_

"_I know." _

_I glanced at Auron. He stared impassively over the horizon, instead of meeting my eyes._

"_Are you ever even going to talk to me again?" I asked bluntly, frustrated. That got his attention. He looked at me in surprise, even though he must have known just what I was talking about. Maybe he didn't expect me to just out and say it._

"_We're talking now," he said. _

"_But – not like before," I insisted. "You're all closed up now – Well, more than you were, anyway."_

"_I can't afford… attachments."_

"_Hmm." I thought about that for a moment. "It looks like you already have them." _

_Auron shook his head and let the conversation die. My fists clenched. I couldn't stand it._

"_Stop running away from me!" I snapped, and followed it quickly with, "I'm not asking you for anything."_

"_I think," he said slowly, "that you're asking for more than I can give you." _

"_Well –" I faltered " – So what if I am! How will you know if you don't even try? And don't say I'm too young. It's not true."_

_One corner of his mouth turned up reluctantly. "I wasn't going to say that."_

"_Then… why…?"_

"_You understand," he said, "that once Sin is destroyed, I… can't stay." _

"_I know that," I told him, as earnestly as I knew how. "That's why you have to use the time you have. So there won't be any regrets."_

_Auron frowned. "You were right," he said after a moment. "I don't understand you."_

_I laughed out loud. "That's okay. I don't understand me either."_

"_What is it that you want?" he asked, voice puzzled, low and rough-soft._

"_Well…" I forced myself not to blush. It was easier than I might have thought. "For starters, I want to kiss you again. That was nice."_

_And I knew what else I wanted, but I wouldn't say it now. _

"_Why?"_

"_Because I like you," I said baldly. "And because you're nice to me, even though you don't have to be. And when I'm with you, I can stop not coming up with ways to save Yunie for a little while – we've been trying, you know, me and Tidus."_

_I stared at my shoes. Yes, we'd been trying for a long time. Trying, and failing. And the ruined city, Zanarkand, was just beyond the mountain, waiting to make all our trying and failing irrelevant. _

"_Have you thought of anything?" asked Auron. _

"_Ah – no," I said, defeatedly._

_I thought about Yunie, who was noble and kind-hearted, and the last person in the world who deserved to die._

"…_I tried to do the same for Braska, when he was my summoner."_

"_Really?" I looked at Auron with interest._

"_Yes. But you already know the outcome."_

_His good eye flickered in the direction of Mount Gagazet and back down to the edge of the cliff before us. I had wanted him to comfort me, but now…_

"_It's going to be different this time," I said, though I wasn't completely certain. "I know it!" _

_He 'hm'-ed thoughtfully. I guess I didn't sound as reassuring as I had hoped._

"_We'll burn if we stay out here much longer," he said. The sun was, in fact, high in the sky and blazing. And beyond Rin's Travel Agency, there wasn't a patch of shade to be found in the Calm Lands. But something held me back and I figured I was burned already._

"_Wait," I said, inching a little closer to him, close enough to touch. "I don't want to go back. Then… we'll just get closer and closer… to the end."_

"_You knew what would happen when you became a guardian."_

"_But now that it's here – !" I glared up at him. "Can't you just say something comforting?"_

_He raised an eyebrow. "What should I say?"_

"_I can't just tell you. It has to be from the heart."_

_He didn't say anything, just shook his head. I sighed. Hopeless. My fingers fiddled with the flaps of his coat. _

"_Rikku…" he said, but that was all._

"_Is it okay if I kiss you?" I asked, before he could say anything else. _

"_I…" The denial that had been in his voice broke and peeled away. "I can give you that."'_

_We were sun-burned when we came back to the inn._

* * *

I sat against the frame of the window in the airship hallway, looking out at the clouds rushing by. Normally, I would spend at least a part of the ride up top on the open deck, but I didn't want to leave Tate (my son, ha!) with anybody else and I thought the wind chill would just make him cry. When he was older I would take him out there, I promised myself. Three months was still too young.

I leaned my head against the cool glass as Tate, little angel that he was, squirmed in my lap, reaching for the feathers I tied in my hair and aiming to pull. I intercepted his hands – _so little_ – and tried to steer him towards the window. It had only interested him for a moment when I first brought him up here, but try, try again.

"Come on," I murmured. "I bet you'll see this a thousand more times before you're ten years old, but it's your first time so you gotta appreciate it, right? Right, Tater tot?"

He gurgled at me.

"Exactly," I replied, petting his shock of downy black hair. He didn't seem to like it, but I did it anyway because I had discovered what 'baby soft' meant. I looked at his hair, and made a mental note to myself to tease it up into a Mohawk later.

Heh heh heh. Auron would not have approved.

I grinned at that, then was hit with a violent pang of sadness, and kept grinning, though I'm sure it began to look somewhat manic, me, sitting there with a strange frozen smile pointed out the window at nothing and Tate restless as ever and still grabbing. He reached up and, after a few false tries, squeezed my cheek.

The feeling passed, not leaving entirely, but retreating safely to the back of my mind. And you know what? It would always be there.

_So, Auron…_

I know that wasn't what you wanted, me remembering and being sad. But even you couldn't have shielded me from it, even though you wanted to. To be fair, this is isn't a future I would have chosen. I could have done worse, though. I could have done worse.

So, I guess we both didn't get what we wanted. But what you want and what you end up with are two different beasts and you can't tame them and you'll get bitten if you try and you might get bitten even if you don't. Whatever.

But just so you know, I'm not unhappy. I think I came out all right. I have Tate. And I have our memories to keep inside.

_So…_

It's not so bad… Auron.

But I'll miss you, you know. Even after I learn to say your name without hurting.

I smiled for real at Tate and gently pried his hand off my face.

"Thought that was funny, small fry?" I asked, wondering when he would need his next nap. At least he was sleeping better at night now. It was so much easier to love him when he wasn't waking me up at odd hours. "Well, it wasn't. Nope, not at all."

I stood, scooping him up and looking around at the many, large windows, the stairs that led lower into the ship and the lift that led to the deck. Since Home II was being built we weren't carting around so many Al Bhed in the ship, and so the room was empty. Yunie had been with me earlier, but she left to give me some privacy while nursing Tate (a strange feeling if there ever was one) although I told her she didn't have to.

I decided to go find her, and then head to the bridge. If I judged correctly, we were almost to Besaid now. Very soon, Wakka would be meeting Tate for the first time. He had left for Besaid shortly before Tate was born, and Lulu had left shortly after. Unsurprisingly, they had their own wedding to plan. Kimahri had left also, to help the surviving Ronso on Mount Gagazet.

Once I found Yunie and reported to the bridge, it wasn't long before I could see Besaid approaching, green and indistinct in the distance. I would have squeezed Yunie's hand in excitement if I hadn't been holding Tate in both arms.

"Take good care of my grandson," said Pops gruffly (but you could tell he was tearing), just before beaming us down to the beach.

I snorted. "Come on! As if I wouldn't. You can count on me."

"I'm… gonna miss the fella… and you, too, Rikku," he added belatedly.

I sighed.

Well, my old man would get plenty of baby-sitting opportunities in the future. I would see to that. (I was always thinking of the future, now, and it was oddly liberating.)

In a matter of moments, Yunie and Tate and I were standing on the Besaid Beach. Wakka and Lulu were there to greet us.

"Wow," said Wakka immediately, squinting at Tate. "He looks just like you, ya?"

Personally, I didn't think he looked like anybody yet. His hair was obviously Auron's, and his blue eyes probably came from somewhere on my side, but over all I thought it was too early to tell. No one else seemed to think that, though.

"Thanks," I smiled.

"He's grown so big since I saw him," Lulu added. Her hand hovered around her own stomach.

"Yeah." I peered down at Tate, who was falling asleep on me. He slept so easily during the day. "He was just a little shrimp back then."

It gave me disconcerting amounts of pleasure to compare him to food. I don't know why.

Beside me, Yuna laughed. "I think motherhood suits you, Rikku."

Very privately, I thought so too.

* * *

A/N: Thanks to those brave souls who manage to read all the way to the end. I love you. Now please, please, _PLEASE_ REVIEW! 


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